Sunday, April 1, 2012

The Uncomfortable Truth

The original title of this blog was "Life in the Fat Lane".  I first started this blog because I was determined to get myself healthy, and I thought that putting the truth about myself out into the world would embarrass me into holding myself accountable. It didn't work.
Then I fell in love with blogging and I was writing about all sorts of different aspects of my life, and the title felt off-putting, so I changed it to something that felt more comfortable.
Well...now I'm back to wanting to hold myself accountable again. I'm doing it in multiple ways, but I feel like writing down what I'm going through will be one more way to keep myself in check as time goes on. Mostly because I have learned over the last several years that the best way to get something accomplished is to be willing to let people in.
All anyone has to do is look at me to know the truth, but still I find it hard to admit out loud just how unhealthy I've allowed myself to become. It's one thing to say "I'm obese", but it's something else entirely to write out the actual numbers and share them with the world. However, keeping the numbers a secret allows them to have power over me and I will no longer allow that to happen. My weight and my dress size do NOT define who I am as a person. I spent too many years believing that they did and I know that I will never get where I want to be if I don't own who I am. ALL of me.
I could list a whole bunch of excuses for why I am as fat as I am, but the truth is that none of that matters. What matters is that I have finally reached a point in my life where I am determined to be healthy- mentally, physically, and financially. I want to do it for me. To prove to myself that I can, but also because I'm sick of just existing in the world. I like being alive. The world is a pretty amazing place and I have been missing out on so much of it. For NO GOOD REASON! I also want to do it for my daughter. I look at this beautiful, smart, funny, amazing little girl that I brought into the world, and I see her learning my bad habits. It kills me inside. How can I teach her to live life to the fullest if I'm not doing it myself? She misses out on so many things because I am not physically capable of doing them with her, or I'm just plain too lazy to get up and do them. NO MORE.
We both deserve better than that, and I'm the only one with the power to fix the problem. So I'm fixing it. Not tomorrow. Not next week, or next month. RIGHT NOW.
I stepped on the scale a few weeks ago and I saw a number that I never, ever wanted to see. Over the years, as the numbers creeped up I justified it all in my own mind. I knew that the numbers were bad enough as they were, but I told myself that no matter what, I was never going to let that number appear on my scale. I told myself that it would be ok...as long as it wasn't THAT number. That was my rock bottom number. The number that would tell me that I had failed somehow. I actually felt physically ill when I saw it. How could I let it get this bad? I spent the last year trying so hard to get my life in order again. Working to make better choices. Why were the numbers going the wrong way?
I happened to have an appointment for my physical a few days after that. I was actually hoping that my doctor would look at my blood work and find an explanation for the weight gain that was going on. She didn't. Instead, she looked me dead in the eye and told me what I already knew. I need to hold myself accountable.
I need to be conscious of what I am doing.
So at her suggestion I joined Weight Watchers. It's only been a little over a week, but the change in my life is incredible. I'm only doing the online version, so I don't have the built in support system that the meetings provide- but I am finding that I don't need, or want it in that form. The same day that I joined WW officially, a good friend of mine decided to start a "Healthy Habits Challenge" on Facebook. It came at the perfect time for me and is really helping me to stay motivated.
Right now, I feel amazing. I am at a place where food no longer has control over me. I know that it is ok to allow myself a treat when I want one, but so far I haven't been tempted- except the other night when the kids had pizza, but I resisted and life went on. I could have had the pizza. I had the points available if I wanted them, but I knew that I would get more satisfaction from NOT eating it then I would from giving in to the temptation. I was right.
So- here we go...The uncomfortable truth.
Current Weight- 287 lbs
Waist- 48"
Chest- 44"
Bust- 49"
Hips- 53 1/2"
Thigh- 30"
Upper arm- 17"
Neck- 16"
My first weight goal is 279 lbs, but ultimately I would like to get to about half my current weight.

1 fabulous responses:

Rebecca said...

WOW! I'm so impressed with your honesty Shannon; none of my friends or myself would put their weight down for everyone to read! I admire that. You go girl, take it day by day and know there are people out there supporting your efforts; I'm one of them! Becky/Settled13