Sunday, April 22, 2012

Pushing forward

Last week I allowed myself to have a little meltdown. I gave myself one minute to cry, and then I wiped away the tears, got up, and pushed forward with a new outlook.
This week I decided not to think about the scale, or formulas, or systems...I decided to just listen to my body and get it done one choice at a time. I ate what felt good. I didn't deprive myself of anything, but ate thoughtfully.
Guess what? IT WORKED! I lost 5.6 lbs! 
My other goal this week was to begin focusing on my physical fitness...because this isn't just about getting thin, it's about getting healthy. I want to be able to play with my daughter and nieces. Really play. I want to go for hikes with my brother and sister and not worry about slowing them down. I want to feel good in my body.
So I continued walking as much as possible, and I also purchased the Weight Watchers workout DVDs. I considered going to the YMCA where I have a membership to use their facilities and equipment, but then I realized that I would be entirely too self conscious there. At this point I'm far more comfortable working out at home by myself.
The DVD's didn't arrive until the end of the week, but I couldn't wait to try them out once they were here. I started off with the beginner basic stretch routine, and was pleased that I was able to do it all without any issues. However, when I moved on to the full cardio stretch I found that the same could not be said. I did my best to keep up for as long as I could, but I'm just not there yet...back to basics.
I also tried out the basic cardio workout. Got through that no problem so I tried the express workout as well. Again I discovered that there were a few things that my body is just not ready to do yet, but I was able to find other ways to continue through until they went into the next sequence of movements.
I'm a bit disgusted with myself for allowing myself to get this out of shape...but I can't change what has already happened, I can only make better choices going forward. And that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Just a number

A Twitter friend of mine shared this with me last night and I thought it was worth passing along...
(I told you I have an amazing support system)

Thank you for the reminder!


Sunday, April 15, 2012

Set backs shmet backs

Yesterday I had a little bit of a meltdown.
Thankfully I have a lot of really amazing friends to talk me out of my funk.
I'm really thrilled about all of the changes that I've made. Eating better feels good and I have no desire to go back to the way things were before...but seeing the numbers on the scale going in the wrong direction is the ultimate form of torture.
If I was "cheating" it wouldn't bother me because there would be an explanation that makes sense to me...but on paper, I'm doing everything right. I'm following the plan. Since everyone thought the issue might be that my body was going into "starvation mode", I tried the "Wendie plan" this week. I used up all of my regular points and a bunch of the extra points as well. I did it eating mostly fruits and vegetables, with healthy proteins and carbs thrown in, and I've been drinking lots of water. I did have some KFC one day because I didn't have time to go home and cook myself dinner and that was what I was craving at the time. However, I had small portions and stuck within my points for that day.
I have also been making sure to get up and move as much as my schedule allows me to. I haven't done any real workouts, but I've been walking a lot and going for hikes when I am able to, and not just sitting around the house like I used to do.
I'm fully committed to staying healthy. Not just because I want to lose weight, but because it feels good and because I want to really live. I want to see and do things that won't be possible if I continue on the path that I was on. This isn't a diet. This is me changing the way I live my life.
For once in my life I feel motivated and excited about what I'm doing. That's why it's so frustrating to not see the results that I was anticipating.
This morning I had my official weekly weigh in. I gained 1.2 lbs. NOT what I wanted to see, but I'm not going to dwell on it. This is a new week. A clean slate. This week I'm not going to worry about the scale. I'm going to concentrate on how I FEEL. I'm going to listen to my body and make choices that feel good. Period.
The numbers on the scale will move eventually.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Say what?!

I knew that at some point in the process of losing weight and getting healthy I was going to feel discouraged. It's just part of the deal. What I wasn't expecting was for it to happen 2 weeks in.
The 1st 9 days of WW were great. I was committed and motivated. I was following the plan with ease, and seeing the results. And then, for no apparent reason that I could discern...the weight loss just stopped.
On paper I was doing everything right. I was tracking all of my food honestly and diligently. I was staying within my allotted points every day and making HEALTHY choices. I wasn't even using any of my extra points. I was getting outside and walking every day. But the reading on the scale was staying stubbornly constant.
Still...I stayed strong and kept at it. I told myself it was just a temporary thing...that my body is just getting used to the new routine and that the pounds would start falling off soon.
At the end of the week when I did my "official" weigh in, I'd lost less than 1 lb. *big sigh* What am I doing wrong here? It just doesn't make sense.
I refuse to give up the fight just because it isn't going as well as I'd hoped. Instead I turned to my support system and told a few people how I was feeling. A funny thing happened...every single one of them told me the same thing. "You aren't eating enough Shannon"
Say what?!
So this week I'm trying something new. I'm going to go against logic and I am going to eat MORE. I'm going to use up those extra eating HEALTHY foods.
One of my friends told me about something called the "Wendie plan". Apparently someone invented a system of using the extra WW points in a specific pattern through out the week to maximize weight loss. I'm going to give it a shot and see how it goes.
But right now...I'm off to the gym.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

The Uncomfortable Truth

The original title of this blog was "Life in the Fat Lane".  I first started this blog because I was determined to get myself healthy, and I thought that putting the truth about myself out into the world would embarrass me into holding myself accountable. It didn't work.
Then I fell in love with blogging and I was writing about all sorts of different aspects of my life, and the title felt off-putting, so I changed it to something that felt more comfortable. I'm back to wanting to hold myself accountable again. I'm doing it in multiple ways, but I feel like writing down what I'm going through will be one more way to keep myself in check as time goes on. Mostly because I have learned over the last several years that the best way to get something accomplished is to be willing to let people in.
All anyone has to do is look at me to know the truth, but still I find it hard to admit out loud just how unhealthy I've allowed myself to become. It's one thing to say "I'm obese", but it's something else entirely to write out the actual numbers and share them with the world. However, keeping the numbers a secret allows them to have power over me and I will no longer allow that to happen. My weight and my dress size do NOT define who I am as a person. I spent too many years believing that they did and I know that I will never get where I want to be if I don't own who I am. ALL of me.
I could list a whole bunch of excuses for why I am as fat as I am, but the truth is that none of that matters. What matters is that I have finally reached a point in my life where I am determined to be healthy- mentally, physically, and financially. I want to do it for me. To prove to myself that I can, but also because I'm sick of just existing in the world. I like being alive. The world is a pretty amazing place and I have been missing out on so much of it. For NO GOOD REASON! I also want to do it for my daughter. I look at this beautiful, smart, funny, amazing little girl that I brought into the world, and I see her learning my bad habits. It kills me inside. How can I teach her to live life to the fullest if I'm not doing it myself? She misses out on so many things because I am not physically capable of doing them with her, or I'm just plain too lazy to get up and do them. NO MORE.
We both deserve better than that, and I'm the only one with the power to fix the problem. So I'm fixing it. Not tomorrow. Not next week, or next month. RIGHT NOW.
I stepped on the scale a few weeks ago and I saw a number that I never, ever wanted to see. Over the years, as the numbers creeped up I justified it all in my own mind. I knew that the numbers were bad enough as they were, but I told myself that no matter what, I was never going to let that number appear on my scale. I told myself that it would be long as it wasn't THAT number. That was my rock bottom number. The number that would tell me that I had failed somehow. I actually felt physically ill when I saw it. How could I let it get this bad? I spent the last year trying so hard to get my life in order again. Working to make better choices. Why were the numbers going the wrong way?
I happened to have an appointment for my physical a few days after that. I was actually hoping that my doctor would look at my blood work and find an explanation for the weight gain that was going on. She didn't. Instead, she looked me dead in the eye and told me what I already knew. I need to hold myself accountable.
I need to be conscious of what I am doing.
So at her suggestion I joined Weight Watchers. It's only been a little over a week, but the change in my life is incredible. I'm only doing the online version, so I don't have the built in support system that the meetings provide- but I am finding that I don't need, or want it in that form. The same day that I joined WW officially, a good friend of mine decided to start a "Healthy Habits Challenge" on Facebook. It came at the perfect time for me and is really helping me to stay motivated.
Right now, I feel amazing. I am at a place where food no longer has control over me. I know that it is ok to allow myself a treat when I want one, but so far I haven't been tempted- except the other night when the kids had pizza, but I resisted and life went on. I could have had the pizza. I had the points available if I wanted them, but I knew that I would get more satisfaction from NOT eating it then I would from giving in to the temptation. I was right.
So- here we go...The uncomfortable truth.
Current Weight- 287 lbs
Waist- 48"
Chest- 44"
Bust- 49"
Hips- 53 1/2"
Thigh- 30"
Upper arm- 17"
Neck- 16"
My first weight goal is 279 lbs, but ultimately I would like to get to about half my current weight.