Ok, well my blog was never really a secret exactly, but it sort of felt like one.
I started my blog on a whim back in January. I've mentioned before that it began as an idea I had about shaming myself into taking better care of my health. It was a bit of an experiment, and I felt a little strange about it. I wasn't really sure if I actually wanted people that know me to be reading it. I mentioned it to a few of my coworkers pretty quickly, but I didn't actually tell them how to find it or anything. I also quietly put the link up on my Facebook and MySpace pages, but that was just about the extent of it. I certainly didn't go shouting about it from the rooftops.
Whenever I was writing a post and Kevin would come in the room and ask what I was doing, I would just say that I was checking email. That's what I always say when I'm at my computer. That's just my term for all things that involve communicating with other people via cyberspace. I wasn't trying to hide it from him, but I wasn't sure that I wanted him reading it either.
When I started out, I had never actually read any blogs (except for one or two on myspace, but those don't really count in my mind). I really had no understanding of the blogging community at all. I thought that people who know me would find it odd that I had started a blog. I mean, my life is not exactly exciting material on most days. Why would anyone want to read what is essentially my diary?
Then one day I discovered that several of the women that I had become cyber-friends with when we were all pregnant had also been drawn in by the pull of the blogosphere. I started checking out what they had to say, and through them discovered more blogs, which lead to more blogs, and so on. It felt like there was suddenly this new world opening up to me, begging to be explored. Each new discovery left me giddy and wanting more. A spark was kindled within me, and each blog that I visited fanned the flame just a little bit more.
I don't really know exactly when it happened, but sometime between graduating from High School and the birth of my daughter I stopped dreaming for myself. The only thing that I knew for certain was that I wanted to be a mother, and thoughts of creating new life consumed me to the point that nothing else seemed to matter very much. I was content to sit back and let Kevin earn the majority of the money needed to support us, while I simply existed. I knew that I needed to have a job for us to survive, but to me it was always just that...a source of income. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore working with children and helping to mold their young minds...it's just that I was always waiting for the day that I could just stay home with my own children. I can look back now and see how foolish and selfish I was. If I could go back and do things differently I like to think that I would, but sadly things don't work that way.
Not long after I moved out here to be with Kevin circumstances caused me to abandon my education for a time. For one reason or another I have never been able to find the motivation to go back and finish what I started. It seems that I'm always waiting for the world to present me with what I want. It's kind of odd really. I actually have a terrific work ethic and I fully believe that things are sweeter when you've had to work for them. Yet I somehow have felt no desire to go out and work for a better life for me and my family.
I am a very intelligent person. I don't say this to be pompous or obnoxious. I say it simply because it is the truth. I enjoy learning new things. I like knowing the answers to questions. I have recently discovered that I enjoy having other people look to me to be a leader. I still struggle with actually being a leader, but I'm getting better about that. Yet something still holds me back from pursuing bigger and better things for myself.
Let's go back to that spark that I mentioned before. Exploring the world of blogs seems to have woken up a part of me that fell asleep somewhere along the way. I suddenly have a desire to go out and learn new things. To explore areas that I never would have thought that I would find interesting before. Kevin has been trying to get me to learn more about computers for years, but I could never get through any of the books he gave me. Heck, I couldn't get through one paragraph without feeling like I was trying to read Japanese and simply giving up. Now I am practically bursting with the amount of things I want to figure out how to do.
I have also become reacquainted with my creative and artistic side since discovering Bloggywood. It has always been a part of me, but I have never been able to find the right outlet to express myself. Writing seems to be a good match, and I think that photography just might be the key that unlocks another door to that part of me. (Now if I could just find the $$ for a better camera and some photography books)
Every time I read another blog I find something new that I want to learn about. Recently, I decided that it was time to go to my dear husband, who just happens to work in the field of IT and ask him for help. This was a big step for me. I don't know why, but I felt really shy and nervous about telling him about my blog, and about asking for his help. It seems like he thinks that my blog is just this silly little "addiction" and I think that I am scared that he won't take me seriously when I tell him that I want to learn. I can't say that I blame him, I don't exactly have a stellar history when it comes to following through with things.
Then last week was my Grandmother's birthday and I decided that I wanted to write a tribute for her. At first I was just doing it for the sake of doing it, but then I realized that it didn't really mean very much if she never got to see it. So, I decided to bite the bullet and send her the link, knowing full well that my entire family was soon going to have access to my "secret" world.
I think that keeping my blog to myself made me feel safe. There is a difference between writing for the faceless masses (should anyone ever care to read what I have to say), and writing knowing that the people that mean something to me might actually read it.
The secret is offically out. The people I care about, and who hopefully care about me in return now have full access to my "diary". It's a little scary, but I am determined to stay true to myself and continue writing as if no one is paying attention.
I have no idea where this road leads, and there is no road map to tell me how to get where I'm going. For the first time in a very long time, I am excited to just go out there and explore and see where it takes me. I'm pretty sure that there will be some detours to navigate, but I'm equally sure that I will discover some pretty amazing things along the way.